Thirty years ago there were shops, and in those shops people in suits would try and sell you stuff by telling you how reliable it was. Of course now, everyone buys everything over the internet because it's cheaper and the salesmanship of going shopping is a dying art form. That doesn't change the fact that before you buy something, you want to know how good it is. Advertising? Can't trust it. It's all spin and airbrushing on Photoshop. Have you noticed how many 'products of the year' there seem to be on TV now? As voted for by who? Shitfest weekly? More to the point, if you're so much better than the leading brand then why aren't you the leading fucking brand? No, what you want is to hear real, poorly written assessments full of grammatical errors from real people. People you can trust. So now, the internet is full of amateur critics providing their own opinions on any consumer product from toasters to televisions. Fine, that's all well and good, at least it means we're more likely to get the real deal on whatever we're buying before we part with our money. But some of these critics treat these reviews like Dickensian tales of triumph and disaster which make you wonder if they're talking about the same toaster you are:
'On Monday, 23rd September 2006 I awoke, salivating in anticipation of my breakfast and unaware of the catastrophe that would shortly ensue. I had already gone to the fridge and taken out the Marmalade, sweet extra course, and had placed it on the dining room table as well as the cutlery. All I was waiting for was my toast, but alas, when I checked on its progress it had been incinerated! Hardly what I'd expect from a level 2 setting! So off I trundled to Tesco to find a new toaster, I chose the Jacobs Easy Toast 3000. The packaging was quite hard to get in to and hard 2 layers of bubble wrap to get through, I think that one would have been more than sufficient. The product itself was easy to assemble, although I was disappointed there were no instructions to show you how to plug it in to the wall and also that there was no warning to tell you not to stick a fork in it to try and pull out a lost piece of toast - a child could be seriously injured! The toaster was quite heavy (fortunately we aren't planning on taking it when we travel) but was surprisingly attractive for the price. Overall we're very happy with our purchase and hope for many good slices of toast to come'.
In a development which makes you question your own sanity, 689055 out of 690339 people agree with this moron, not that you're really in any position to criticise, you've Googled it too after all. What I find most baffling about these reviews is the emphasis on productivity, as if someone that's just spewed out four paragraphs assessing the pros and cons of a toaster has anything but time to fill. If anything you'd think they'd have so much of it on their hands they'd welcome the instructions being hidden inside the New York Times crossword just to eat up more of the day. Unfortunately the consensus of agreement only boosts the reviewer's inherent belief that if they'd really set their mind to it they could have finished that hilarious half finished sitcom that's been sitting on their hard drive since 1997 and be sunning themselves in LA instead of Ricky Gervais, so some will choose to update their review to give their fans (I guess you take what you can get) more great insights.
'Hello, me again, just writing an update to say that we're still delighted with this toaster - we've even bought another one now so that we're not caught out when we entertain! We always have guests round and they often ask for 8 slices of toast, so this really is a God send!'
The problem with these reviews is that they're generally skewed by the following things: On one end of the scale, the guys who make the toaster have probably got the work experience kid to go on and write about how the toast utopia they've just discovered and how, really, toast is better than sex. On the other, you've got users that score down the product for reasons related more to their own stupidity than any real fault of the product.
'I was quietly toasting, but became hungry before the toaster had finished it's full cycle so used my fingers and a pair of scissors to fish my piece of toast out causing myself serious injury, I shan't be using anything from Jacobs again I assure you'. Hardly Jacobs' fault you're a brainless cretin though is it? And of course, there are the odd few that just seem to have become overexcited and misunderstood the scoring system – Phenomenal review, one star. Perhaps they just didn't get it, who knows?
Unboxing videos
The unboxing video originated circa 2006. Originally it was advertised as an informative way to see if what you were really getting when you bought something, whether it actually turned up with an HDMI cable and so on. But actually, it's less about practicality and more about our crazed consumerism and lust for shiny new stuff.
This is optimised by Apple products, where you end up with videos comparing this year's box to last year's
Arguments
Unfortunately the course of being an internet critic does not always run smooth. The internet has become a God send for a lot of people, a second chance for the rough hand life has dealt you. Someone of these people will use that second chance to start pointless ar
A typical argument will start off with an innocuous statement like 'I really like that Beyonce video, she's SO hot!', but from here events will rapidly snowball. '
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